April 10th, 2008
Tom Tucker quotes
Tricia: So Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention?
Meg: Oh my god, you talkin to me? Are you talkin to me? (gasp) Ok, Ok, well, I thought a lot about it, and I…
Tricia: And here comes David Bowie!
Tricia: David, what bings you all the way to…
David Bowie: Shhhhhh! Oh baby, just you shut your mouth.
Tricia: Ooooh!Me love to meet Ziggy Stardust!I take you home!I make you fish ball soup!Fish ball!
Tom Tucker: Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years…
Tom Tucker: In other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school was killed last night when his motorcycle careened off dead man’s curve. Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene, but decided it was best not to ask questions and just let everyone get on with their lives.
Tom Tucker:..and for those of you wondering what ive been writing on this piece of paper as we head to a commercial…..it’s a cat. Just a cat.
Tom Tucker: Stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris, “Nature’s Rubik’s Cube”.
Tom Tucker: In other news, the man that has done more drugs than any other human being on the planet was killed today by a pack of rabid dogs he thought he saw.
Tom Tucker: Can my wife Stacey get you anything?
Stacey: Go to hell Tom.
Tom Tucker: Already there hun.
Tom Tucker:..And for those of you wondering what ive been writing on this piece of paper as we head to a commercial…It’s a cat…just a cat.
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it’s been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [As Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [As Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there’s anything I can ever do for you …
Dustin Hoffman: [As Captain Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I’ll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
Tom Tucker: Well, I believe I speak for everyone when I say all the New Yorkers can go fornicate themselves with a steel rod.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, theres something you’re gonna have to get used to. Men running away form you.
Diane Simmons: Shut up Tom, you’re so far in the closet you’re finding Christmas presents!
Diane- Tom’s dared me to do the news topless, I’ve got the goods but do I have the guts? Find out at 11.
Tom- That’s breaking news and maybe Diane’s Boobs later tonight.
Tom Tucker: And now time for Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather Forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: It gon rain.
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I’m getting late word that you’re a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn’t really matter what we say. I’m the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I’ll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don’t like black people.
Camera man: Hey guys, we’re still on in Boston.
Tom: And now to our weatherman Ollie Williams for the Blackie-Weather Forecast, Ollie?
Olie: IT’S RAININ’ SIDEWAYS!
Tom: Don’t you have an umbrella?
Olie: USED TO!
Tom: Where is it now?
Olie: INSIDE OUT TWO MILES AWAY!
Tom: Is there anything we can do for you?
Olie: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom: What kind?
Olie: CHUNKY!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Up next, a pig that refuses to eat Jews. After this.
Tom Tucker: And now over to Ollie Williams for the blackie punishment forecast, Ollie?
Ollie: HE GON’ GET IT!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie!
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don’t think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog she can’t hear a word I’m saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we’re back on the air in Quahog.
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That’s just stupid what you said.
Tom Tucker: Now let’s go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK… it’s going to be cold… lots of wind… and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children … oh, GOD. That’s awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it’s been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [As Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [As Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there’s anything I can ever do for you …
Dustin Hoffman: [As Captain Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I’ll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
Tom Tucker: Well, I believe I speak for everyone when I say all the New Yorkers can go fornicate themselves with a steel rod.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, theres something you’re gonna have to get used to. Men running away form you.
Diane Simmons: Shut up Tom, you’re so far in the closet you’re finding Christmas presents!
Diane- Tom’s dared me to do the news topless, I’ve got the goods but do I have the guts? Find out at 11.
Tom- That’s breaking news and maybe Diane’s Boobs later tonight.
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