March 26th, 2008
Stewie Griffin Quotes
Stewie: Go on, hot wire it!
Brian: Hot wire? I don’t even pump my own gas.
(Stewie has shrunk himself and inserted himself into Peter’s body to kill sperm. He doesn’t want a little brother until he meets his match–his sperm brother who looks and acts like him.)
Stewie: You hate Lois? I hate Lois too! What, what else do you hate?
Sperm Bro: People who send pictures of their families as Christmas Cards!
Stewie: People who use the word “guesstimate.”
Sperm Bro: Guys who wear sandals with socks!
Stewie & Sperm Bro in unison: JASON PATRICK! (flap hands effiminently, jump up and down and say “EWWWW!” together).
Quagmire: Hey there spud in the mud.
Stewie: Oh god do you bathe in Aqua Velva?
Brian: Umm…where are the toilets?
New Yorker Editor: Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.
Gary Coleman as Stewie: Whatcha talkin’ ’bout vile woman?!
Stewie: Die, Lois!
You know Brian, just because you can’t feel your teeth doesn’t mean the girl can’t feel your insults.
Stewie (making fun of the contents of a candy jar at his grandparents’ house): Oh, oh…look at this…a spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco…they don’t even make those any more! They don’t even make that car anymore!! Whose keys are these?
Later…
Lois: Well it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges.
Brian: It’s amazing. All he asked for in return was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.
Stewie: You’re welcome!
Stewie: So broccoli, mother says your good for me,well I’m afraid i’m not good for you!
Stewie (Inside Peter’s Body in rocketship): Hey, you know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm!
Stewie: Oh! Oh! This story is so good, it must be fattening!
Stewie: No, no, no! I don’t think so. It’s not that I have ideological differences, I’m just not a hat person.
Stewie: Victory is mine!
Stewie: “Ahh..did I remember to turn the stove off?…Yes.”
Lois: I know you don’t like broccoli Stewie, but you’ll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father.
Stewie: A compelling argument. You’ve swayed me, woman. Mmmm. That is good. Oh I feel stronger already. Mmmm it’s good tasting and good for you.
Stewie: Ohhh! She has the voice of an angel…not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from!
Stewie: Hey Brian, Marion just called you an alcoholic.
Brian: Oh yeah, well she just called you a homo!!
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Stewie (trying to act nice): Brian–knock knock!
Brian: This is stupid.
Stewie: Come on–knock knock!
Brian: Okay, who’s there?
Stewie: It’s Stewie and he’s always going to be there for you!
Stewie: Uh, there’s a half-dead-fat-man eating a dead-fat-man…am I the only one who realized? Oh, okay…
(Lois picks Stewie up and puts him in the baby carrier she’s wearing) Put me down, you lazy skank!!
Stewie: Hey Bria…what?
Brian: I didn’t say anything.
Stewie: Oh…I…I thought you…you interrupted…me. Don’t interrupt me!
Stewie: Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.
Stewie: Machiavelli! You’ve told me nothing I don’t already know! Ah Sun Zhu’s The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren’t for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.
Stewie (after breaking the tail off of Brian’s mothers stuffed carcass): Loosen up, the old gal doesn’t have much to wag about these days anyway.
Little Asian Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?
Stewie: Dear God, I’ve been adopted by a Benetton ad.
Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?
Stewie (to Chris, who’s calling from the jungle): Do the women there have exposed clitoratae?
Louis: Aww, look! Stewie drew a picture for his mommy!
Clevland: Show us the picture.
Stewie: No, no, no nothing to see here. (Lois shows the picture.)
Man 1: Oh, it’s a time machine!
Stewie: No, it’s a…blast what do kids draw these days? Uh…
Man 2: Why, of course it is! Here’s where the flux capacitor goes.
Man 3: Yeah, I can’t wait to build one of these myself!
Stewie: Why you toddering, fen-sucked dewberry! I’m going to go find something to strike you with! Excuse me.
Lois: Stewie, say hi to our new neighbor, Officer Swanson.
Stewie: You will bow to me!
(Stewie is dreaming: He’s sitting on the porch of a colonial house, in colonial outfit.)
Stewie: It’s good to have land.
Stewie (after imitating Rocky IV): You know, there are three hours until the exam.
Brian: Oh crap! And all we’ve done is work out!
Brian: Peter, if you just let me talk, I’ll explain to you why you shouldn’t do this.
Peter: Later, later Brian, I gotta do something people will remember me for. Which is why I’ve invented a new type of flying machine.
Stewie: You know, I vaguely recall seeing footage somewhere of something exactly like this, which leads me to believe this probably won’t work.
Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he’s charming.
Stewie: DAMN YOU VILE WOMAN!
Stewie: It seems with death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile. (Stewie looks around checking to make sure no one is around.) Nick nack paddy whack, give a dog a bone.
(Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a bully)
Stewie: We’re playing house…
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house.
Stewie: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.
Stewie (to Death): Love your work.
(While playing Pac Man at the bar)
Brian: Get, get the fruit. It’s more points. Get the fruit.
Stewie: I’m not gonna get the fruit.
Brian: Get the fruit.
Stewie: I’m not gonna…I can’t get the fruit.
Brian: Get the fruit.
Stewie: I’m not gonna…I’m not gonna get the fruit there’s a ghost right there!
Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Don’t pout now sweetie, when you were born the doctor told us you were the happiest newborn he’d ever delivered.
Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.
Stewie: Ooh, Lois, someone’s wearing their ovaries on the outside.
Blast you and your estrogenical tyranny!
Stewie: That’s right Mr. Giraffe, get all the marmalade.
Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plane must have been JFK Jr.
Stewie: Here is a condom but use it wisely.
(flash to couple moaning while having sex in car)
(Stewie enters car and takes condom)
Guy: Hey what are you doing!!
Girl: Come back with that!!
Guy: Where were we?
(couple contiues to have sex)
Guy: hey this is much better!!!
Stewie: Those jugs are mine until all the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!
Stewie: Victory is mine!
Brian: I’ll be in the basement.
Peter: Doin’ what?
Brian: What do you think?
(Everyone laughs)
Stewie: Someone will have to explain that to me.
Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Don’t pout now sweetie, when you were born the doctor told us you were the happiest newborn he’d ever delivered.
Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.
(Stewie lies asleep in bed)
Stewie (sleeping, then yawns): What the deuce?!! FLEAS! ARGHH!! (Jumps out his bed and runs down the hallway, sliips and crahses into the table at the end of the hallway.)
Stewie: Damn you Mop and Glow!!
Lois: Look its the New Year’s baby!
Stewie: Yes, I rather like the sash, but do the Huggies make my ass look big?
Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn’t yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I’ll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes half-way to bloody Boston!
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