March 24th, 2008
Peter Griffin Quotes
Image courtesy Fox Publicity Online
Peter: No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it.
Peter: If Liza is wrong, then I don’t want to know what right is.
Peter: Tonight Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.
Peter: Everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and Twinkies. And there’s a Twinkie factory in Natick!
Bartender: You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to 50 bucks.
Peter: I’m a foreign diplomat. I don’t pay for drinks. Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?
Peter to Connie: Sweet statutory, you look beautiful.
Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein. He’s Jewish
Lois : Oooooooooh, how exotic!
Peter: You ever watch that show Scrubs? Lois had it on the other night, and I was kinda fading in and out, you know. I was watching and wondering….. which one is the funny guy?
Peter: Dad, to be honest, I don’t like you either. Aw, jeez, that’s a terrible thing to say. I guess I am going to hell, huh.
The Pope: Peter, the good lord said to honor thy father. He never said anything about liking him.
Lois (before peter goes on stage): Here’s a little something for good luck. (Peter gets ready to kiss her)
(lois sticks a beer bong in his mouth)
Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She’s like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn’t as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he’s still a Baldwin, damn it!
Peter: My name is Peter Griffin…my friends call me Peter for short.
Peter: There’s gotta be an explanation for all this.
Brian: You want an explanation? God is pissed!
Lois: Oh, “The Old Man and the Sea”. I see you’re getting in the mood for our cruise.
Peter: Yeah. Stupid fisherman, sitting out there on a boat yammering to himself. He doesn’t even know I’m watching him.
Peter (driving through town after the hurricane): Well, at least the open air debris field is still intact.
Peter (to Death): Do you have a file on me?
Death: Yeah, it’s somewhere in the car.
Peter: Well then you know that I ran a semester of track! (Peter starts running.)
Peter: This is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance but I’m taking her too. Thanks, Geritol.
Lois: Peter, you’re bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c’mon, Lois, isn’t “bribe” just another word for “love?”
Peter: Did you hear that, Lois? We’re goin’ to Hollywood, where the people are sexy and clever and they always say somethin’ funny right before the commercial break.
Peter: I feel terrible Brian, I put Lois in a hospital and I lost the kids. This is turning out worse than Stewie’s IPOD commercial.
Peter: Wow, when you’re beautiful doors magically open for you!
Beautiful People’s Club Man: Actually, it opened because you stepped on that black square.
…of course if that’s wasn’t there, it would have opened anyway because you’re beautiful.
Car salesman: I’m Doug. Nice to meet you. Whoa, have you lost weight??
Peter: No, it’s still there, I’m just parting it on the side.
Peter: May the Fonz be with you
Congregation: And also with you
Peter: Let us Ay
Congregation: Aaaaaaaay!!!
Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I’m sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little…stale for me.
Peter: Well, I-I don’t know what to do. I mean, I don’t really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both his nipples.)
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there’s 240-Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!
Peter: I’m just a big fake, like the moon landing and Marky Mark’s hog in Boogie Nights and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I don’t mean that completely unproved gay rumor, they’re just both really phony.
Peter (while digging a hole for a pool): Kids, promise me you won’t go swimming without a lifeguard. It’s my duty as a parent to make sure you’re safe…..hehehehehe….doody…..hehehehe….diarrhea. Hey, Lois….diarrhea.”
Lois: Oh Peter, I’m carrying iced tea.
(Peter talking about restitution to Mr. Pewterschmidt)
Peter: I want what Cleveland got: an apology and some Rice Krispies.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Well, an apology is out of the question, and I’m assuming “Rice Krispies” is some kind of black slang for money, so here’s $10,000.
Peter: Oh my God.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Fine make it $20,000, but that’s it. How do you spell Kidchwa? K-i…
Peter: Uh you know what, screw the Kidchwa. Make it out to Peter Griffin, P-e-t-e-r…
Peter: I am Neptune, God of the Sea. I sink ships and conjure up storms.
King Neptune: No you’re not, I am!
Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?
Lois: Now kids, your father’s just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I’m not sure which.
Lois:Peter i’m worried about Meg. She might get a coke addiction.
Peter: No coke, Pepsi.
Peter: While I’m at it give me all these copies of “Marie Claire.” Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort: Kathleen Turner’s on page 45.
Peter: Kathleen Turner..ehh let’s see how she looks..oh that’s a shame.
Peter: Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she’s burning in hell, may she rest in peace.
Peter (while digging a hole for a pool): Kids, promise me you won’t go swimming without a lifeguard. It’s my duty as a parent to make sure you’re safe…..hehehehehe….doody…..hehehehe….diarrhea. Hey, Lois….diarrhea.”
Lois: Oh Peter, I’m carrying iced tea.
Peter: I am Neptune, God of the Sea. I sink ships and conjure up storms.
King Neptune: No you’re not, I am!
Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?
Peter: While I’m at it give me all these copies of “Marie Claire.” Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort: Kathleen Turner’s on page 45.
Peter: Kathleen Turner..ehh let’s see how she looks..oh that’s a shame.
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