Meg Griffin Quotes

March 28th, 2008

Meg Griffin Quotes

image courtesy Fox Publicity Online

Meg: Oh my God, we’re gonna die! There’s so much of life I haven’t experienced. I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy’s last resort.

Cecilia: Neil is such an amazing guy. We just make an absolutely perfect couple.
Meg: You know…Neil liked me first and I was gonna go out with him when I was ready to settle for him. Get your own spaz!
(Meg walks away)
Gym teacher: All right ladies enough chit-chat. Take it off, get in the shower, and bounce around for me.

Lois: So Meg, did you do anything interesting last night.
Meg (trying to think of something to say): Oh…yeah. I went out with this real nice guy…whose name is…Ronnie…Mitchell-…stork……and he’s the captain of the…soccer…ball…team.
Lois: OK, as long as you’re having (hehe)…safe (hahaha)…sex (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Ooh, YOU LITTLE LIAR!

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Meg (to Peter): You can’t sell me you fat son of a bitch!

Meg: Give it to me, give it to me, Neal.
Neal: That oughta work just fine. (Shuts off hidden tape recorder.)

Meg: I like him, he remembers my name!

Meg: I can’t believe my stupid parents are going to follow around stupid old KISS, it’s painful.
Peter: Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter: I’ll miss you!

(Brian walks in)
Brian: Hey Doc, what the hell are you doing here?
Doctor: Your family has something to say.
Meg (reading from a piece of paper): Brian, I know I don’t speak up much, and it’s really hard for me to talk about my feelings, but -
Doctor : W-Why don’t we start with someone more interesting…Peter?

Peter: Let’s play a game called Takin’ the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I’ll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you’re gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

Tricia: So Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention?
Meg: Oh my god, you talkin to me? Are you talkin to me? (gasp) Ok, Ok, well, I thought a lot about it, and I…
Tricia: And here comes David Bowie!
Tricia: David, what bings you all the way to…
David Bowie: Shhhhhh! Oh baby, just you shut your mouth.
Tricia: Ooooh!Me love to meet Ziggy Stardust!I take you home!I make you fish ball soup!Fish ball!
Tom Tucker: Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years…

Meg: He’s going back to Cecilia? I can’t believe I’m actually jealous!
Lois: I can’t I actually touched him!
Peter: I still can’t believe it’s not butter! Hahahahaha. Next week I run for the mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We’ll find out, don’t miss it.

(Chris is sitting in kitchen, moping because he’s fat, and Meg walks in.)
Meg: Whoa! Chris have you loot weight? You look wicked skinny! I’m jealous!
Chris: Really? Cause…cause I’m jealous of your mustache!
Meg: I don’t have a mustache!!!!!

Meg: Wow, Jimmy! That was everything Ladies Home Journal said it would be.
Jimmy Fallon: Heh awesome. Great…Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Awww right.

Government Agent: You’re mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!

Lois: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says “Little Slut.” That seems pretty hip.
Meg: I don’t know if that’s really me, Mom.
Lois: Well, they’ve got one that says “Porn Star” and another that says “Sperm Dumpster.” And they’re all written in glitter.
Meg: All right, all right. Give me “Sperm Dumpster.”
Lois: That’s the spirit!

Meg: I finally get my driver’s license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don’t talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that’s an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?

Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Meg: We have the same dad idiot!
Chris: Yeah, but mine’s smarter!

Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I’m thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who’s in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Lois: Yep!

Meg: God, I don’t think I could have been any clearer the last time I turned him down.
Debra Barone: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizziola. Again.
(Meg walks onto the screen)
Meg: Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island. Leave me alone! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
(Meg walks off screen)
Debra Barone: Anyway, your mother insulted…
Ray Barone: I don’t care anymore Patty after nine seasons I just don’t care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch. thanks. Umm…ya know there’s–there’s something….(laughs)…There’s something I gotta tell ya. Being with you just made me feel so aLIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?

Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond … James Bond. I’ll do it.

Chris: What did you get from your boyfriends?
Meg: Oh you know from my boyfriend ,Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a scepter…(goes crazy and runs away crying)
Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Peter (watching tv with Meg): Who needs Brian? I have you to hang with me. (Starts talking to Meg like a dog as he’s pointing at the tv.) Who that? Who that? Is that a dog, is it? Is that a dog right there? Look, see, see, Meg? Go get it! See? See the dog on tv? Who’s the dog on tv?
Meg (yells at Peter): I’m not a dog, you fat bastrad!!!

Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don’t worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We’ll be his period.

Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it’s your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.

Meg: Dad, if I don’t get my driver’s license, I’ll never have any boyfriends, I’ll never get married and I’ll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O’Donnell.
Peter: Meg … are you implying that Rosie O’Donnell cant drive?

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.

(Lois reading Meg’s diary with the rest of the family gathered around)
Lois: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he’d throw me into that pile of leaves. (Laughter)
Meg: (Walks into the room) Hey what’s everyone… Oh my God! You’re reading my diary! I HATE YOU ALL! WHAAAAAAA! (Runs away crying)
Peter: (Opens beer) Keep going!

Meg: Hi, Craig. Umm, I was wondering if maybe you would want to, I don’t know, go out sometime?
Craig Hoffman: Huh, that’s about as likely as me playing by someone else’s rules besides my own. Which I would never do. I play by my own rules, nobody else’s, not even my own.
Meg: How ’bout a movie?
Craig: I don’t go out with dudes.

Meg: I don’t get it, mom, if you’re so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.

(Meg asks the guy in the shop class to go out on a date…)
Meg: Please go out with me. I am just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I’ll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah, uh, that sounds cool, but I’m going to be in the hospital that night. (Boy shoots himself with the nail gun in the stomach.) OHHHOWWW!! (in pain, drags himself away)

Meg: Wow! This looks just like my room at home!
Lois: Yeah! Except for all of the trophies and pictures of friends.

Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Peter: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room.

(Meg walks in after getting a make-over)
Meg: Look everybody I got a makeover!!
Peter: Aw, Meg I thought you were always beautiful…(bursts out laughing). Whoa, coudn’t do that with a straight face, huh? Chris, go burn all of Meg’s old pictures.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I’m gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I’m allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it’s THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois: And you know what? I’m gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I’m gonna become a model!
Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, Lois! And I’ll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris: Me too!
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That’s sick! That’s your mother!
Meg (shrugs): I’m just trying to fit in.
Peter: Get out! Get out of this house!
(Meg doesn’t move. Peter punches wall.)
Peter: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW!
(Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.)
Peter: That’s a good about your modeling, Lois.

Peter (In Asiatown): Oh my God it’s Jackie Chan! (Asian guy walks away)
Peter (to next Asian guy): Oh my God it’s Jackie Chan! (Asian guy again walks away)
Peter (to another Asian guy): Oh my God it’s Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Great to see I have a fan! Oh my God it’s Ethan Hawk!
Peter: No I’m not.
Jackie Chan to Chris: Oh my God it’s Ethan Hawk!
Chris: Nope.
Jackie Chan to Meg: Oh my God it’s Malcom in Middle!
Meg: Im not a boy!
Jackie Chan: Yes you are.

Meg: Finally, look Mom I’ve had it. I’m not babysitting anymore. It’s Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don’t wanna babysit anymore that’s fine, but don’t you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.

Meg (to boy): Please go out with me. I’m just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I’ll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah…uhh…that sounds cool but I’m gonna be in the hospital that night.
(shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you… Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don’t call!

Judge: I’m sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

Meg: I can’t believe he’s over me!
Mort: I can’t belive I’m out 34 grand!
Peter: I can’t believe its not butter! Stick around! More Family Guy coming up!

Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Awww right.