March 25th, 2008
Lois Griffin Quotes
image courtesy Fox Publicity Online
Lois: I know you don’t like broccoli Stewie, but you’ll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father.
Stewie: A compelling argument. You’ve swayed me, woman. Mmmm. That is good. Oh I feel stronger already. Mmmm it’s good tasting and good for you.
Lois: Kids, your grandfather’s ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest.
Lois (before peter goes on stage): Here’s a little something for good luck. (Peter gets ready to kiss her)
(lois sticks a beer bong in his mouth)
Lois: NOW GO!
Lois: A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day.
Brian: And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion! HEYOOOOOOOOOO! Hi, I’m Brian.
Peter: Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I’m sorry honey, I guess that things have become a little…stale for me.
Peter: Well, I-I don’t know what to do. I mean, I don’t really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples. (Hooks car battery to both his nipples.)
Peter: Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Oh God, Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow there’s 240-Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!
Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national guard came and shot some of my friends.
Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they’re dead inside, they’re dead. And that’ll be our lives.
Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She’s like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn’t as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he’s still a Baldwin, damn it!
Lois: It’s like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don’t trust whitie.
Stewie (making fun of the contents of a candy jar at his grandparents’ house): Oh, oh…look at this…a spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco…they don’t even make those any more! They don’t even make that car anymore!! Whose keys are these?
Later…
Lois: Well it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges.
Brian: It’s amazing. All he asked for in return was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.
Stewie: You’re welcome!
Peter: Lois, this is my new friend Max Weinstein! He’s Jewish!
Lois: Ooooooooh, how exotic!
Mel Gibson: I’m sorry, Mrs. Griffin. This isn’t personal, but I need to do what I need to do to get that tape.
Lois (scared): Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me? (Then, erotically, hopefully)Oh, Mel, what are you gonna do to me…?
Lois:Peter i’m worried about Meg. She might get a coke addiction.
Peter: No coke, Pepsi.
Lois: So Meg, did you do anything interesting last night.
Meg (trying to think of something to say): Oh…yeah. I went out with this real nice guy…whose name is…Ronnie…Mitchell-…stork……and he’s the captain of the…soccer…ball…team.
Lois: OK, as long as you’re having (hehe)…safe (hahaha)…sex (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Ooh, YOU LITTLE LIAR!
Lois: Peter, you’re bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c’mon, Lois, isn’t “bribe” just another word for “love?”
Lois: Stewie, did you unhook mommy’s bra?
Lois: Aren’t you upset that your wife cheated on you with your best friend?
Cleveland: Better with Quagmire than someone she could get a disease from.
Lois: Here, Death. I brought you some Tylenol.
Death: Oh, great. I asked for Advil, but you know, Tylenol, whatever.
Lois: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you’ve done very well for yourself. Good for you.
Lois: My daughter needs a makeover like there’s no fricking tomorrow.
Peter: Stand aside. Its time for me to fufill my fatherly duty. HAHA i said duty but no time to laugh about it now.
Lois: Peter say hello to your daughter.
Peter: Oh my God! I’m sorry Lois. It was twenty years ago. I never heard the word rubber uh–
Lois: No, Peter this is Meg.
Peter: OH! Welcome to the family sweetheart, Chris throw out all of Megs old pictures.
(Lois is teaching Chris, Stewie and Meg and notices a note being passed.)
Lois: Chris read that note.
Chris: “I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.”
Lois: Go to your room!
(Cleveland is about to smash Quagmire with a baseball bat. Then he looks around at, Meg, Chris, and Lois, who all have frightened faces. Then Darth Sidius appears.)
Darth Sidius: Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.
Lois (pushing him away): You’re not helping.
Lois: Brian, you’re not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, y’know, it’s a little warm in here …
Lois: Don we now our gay apparel!
Brian: It doesn’t get much gayer than this.
Lois: I’m sorry for everything that’s happened Peter. I guess I’m going through a phase right now where I’m only attracted to handsome men.
Peter: Well what are we supposed to do Lois? Just admitt that there’s no excitement left in our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking at each other across the breakfast table talking about how much we both like Total?
Lois: Ooh, I love Total!
Peter: Ooh, actually so do I, and it’s healthy for us too. OH GOD ITS STARTIN’ ALREADY!
(Lois walks in on Stewie torturing a bully)
Stewie: We’re playing house…
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house.
Stewie: Machiavelli! You’ve told me nothing I don’t already know! Ah Sun Zhu’s The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren’t for babies. Here. Watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.
Peter (while digging a hole for a pool): Kids, promise me you won’t go swimming without a lifeguard. It’s my duty as a parent to make sure you’re safe…..hehehehehe….doody…..hehehehe….diarrhea. Hey, Lois….diarrhea.”
Lois: Oh Peter, I’m carrying iced tea.
Lois: Nurse this woman is in labor!
Mayor Adam West: Excuse me, I was here first… My leg is asleep!!
Lois: Hi honey. How was your physical?
Peter: Good. Good. Good…yeah, yeah. Too good, in matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy. You know? In too good of shape. Don’t even know how. Too good of shape.
Lois: You didn’t go to your physical, did you?
Peter: No. Ahm, I did not.
Lois: You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you’re acting like this is the first time I ever did something stupid.
Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Don’t pout now sweetie, when you were born the doctor told us you were the happiest newborn he’d ever delivered.
Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.
Meg: He’s going back to Cecilia? I can’t believe I’m actually jealous!
Lois: I can’t I actually touched him!
Peter: I still can’t believe it’s not butter! Hahahahaha. Next week I run for the mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We’ll find out, don’t miss it.
Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I’m just gonna assume that’s Chinese for ‘I love you.’
Lois: Here comes the airplane, Stewie.
(Stewie swats spoon)
Stewie: The pilot of that plpane must have been JFK Jr.
Lois: For me? Please?
Peter: All right, all right, but you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe, open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.
Lois: Peter, isn’t she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she’s with that guy. They’ve been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter, I meant Meg.
Peter: Oh, yeah, she’s hot.
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn’t mean you’re crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you’re crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y’know, like an adhesive. That’s all he meant.
(The Griffins at a grocery store)
Lois: Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to get it from the back.
(Chris is reaching for some milk and a hand pops out. It grabs his hand and brings him into the A-Ha music video “Take On Me”. Chris falls out from the music video onto the grocery store floor.)
Lois: Chris, where have you been?
Chris: I don’t know!
(Lois calls the house and Chris picks up phone)
Chris: Stephenson residence.
Lois: Chris, we’ve gone through this before. It’s pronounced Griffin.
Lois: Are you gonna miss me?
Peter: Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler.
Lois: I’ve seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie forty-seven times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon’s ass on her face.
Stewie: Well, Well mother we meet again.
Lois: Stewie I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!
Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Don’t pout now sweetie, when you were born the doctor told us you were the happiest newborn he’d ever delivered.
Stewie: But of course. That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarion bastille! Return the device woman!
Lois: No toys, Stewie.
Stewie: Very well then. But mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance shall come.
Recent Comments