April 8th, 2008
Joe Swanson quotes
image courtesy Fox Publicity Online
Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play “I Never.” You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I’ll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland’s wife.
Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um…I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)
(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can’t hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I’m one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)
Joe: Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn’t have taken it, I was too busy breakin’ into Joe’s garage stealin’ his ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It’s a ladder, he can’t use it. It’s like takin’ a watch off a dead guy.
Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?
Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.
Joe: Shoot.
Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I’m technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?
Joe: Deal with what?
Peter: You know, with being retarded.
Joe: Peter, I’m not retarded, I’m handicapped.
Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs.
Cleveland: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfation watchin’ the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe: Can’t blame ‘em for being self-righteous, the black ball’s in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland: The black ball’s done nothing wrong.
Joe: If the black ball’s innocent it has nothing to fear.
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire are stranded in the ocean after a hurricane.)
Joe: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Peter! You’ve been eating my legs??
Peter: Yeah see, now this is why I didn’t say anything. I knew you were going to get like this.
(Peter crashes the Hinden-Peter)
Peter: Oh my God, Joe. I am so sorry!
Joe: How can you afford these things??
Joe: What’s wrong Peter?
Peter: (Sighs) It’s nothing Joe, it’s I don’t know, it’s just that all you guys have something to be proud of; Quagmire got a key to the city, Mort bowled a perfect game, you’re always getting medals for catching crooks, hell even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer.
(Flashback)
Cleveland: (Talking fast) I have 125, do I hear 130? one-hundred thirty thousand for this authentic Comensia headress, I got 130, I got 130, Do I hear 135, One-Fort….(Gets hit in head with totem, then his voice slows down) One..Thirty..five goin’ once.
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