March 27th, 2008
Chris Griffin Quotes
Brian: Hey, you know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooh, ooh, eating a pebble!
Chris: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
Chris: It’s partially an expression of my teenage angst…but mostly, it’s a moo cow!
Chris: What’d you see…Was it breasts?!
Chris: Why am I so awkward!?
Chris: I don’t think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: Everybody likes feet.
(Lois is teaching Chris, Stewie and Meg and notices a note being passed.)
Lois: Chris read that note.
Chris: “I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.”
Lois: Go to your room!
Brian: Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, there’s something magical about Brown.
Chris: Brown is the color of poo. Ha ha ha!
Brian: Yes. Yes it is.
Peter: I feel kinda guilty, giving Chris his first taste of beer…but you turned out okay, right pal?
Chris: I’m gonna go get wasted.
Chris: What’s a library, dad?
Peter: Oh, it’s just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM.
Chris: Oh, I hate vegetables.
Lois: Honey, they’re good for you.
Chris: Oooh, they taste like a monkey, a monkey that’s past its prime.
Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learned in church that if you’re good you go to heaven, but if you’re bad you go to a place where the dead believe they’re still livin’ and they pray for death but death won’t come.
Chris: UPN?
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Chris: What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting?
Alyssa: We help those who already have the means to help themselves. Also, we perpetuate the idea that Jesus chose America to destroy non-believers and brown people.
Chris: I don’t know why, but I feel safer already.
Lois: (Noticing Chris’ pimple): Oh my God! Look at the size of that pimple, you’re like a circus freak! (Laughs.) Aw, I’m just kidding, it means you’re becoming a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when I first became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a success. What are you going to go by now?
(Peter looks under his hospital gown)
Peter: Peter…
Lois: Hey I know, lets play a game. Now I’m thinking of a movie.
Meg: Is it an action movie?
Chris: Who’s in the movie?
Peter: Wait, is it a good movie?
Lois: Eh, it has its moments.
Peter: Cool Runnings
Lois: Yep!
Chris: There’s this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters. I win every time!
Security Guard: Alright son, just give me those hams. (reaches into Chris’ shirt)
Chris: I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!!!
Guard: Oh, your not a shoplifter, you’re just a fat kid, aren’t you, fatty fat fattington!
(The Griffins at a grocery store)
Lois: Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to get it from the back.
(Chris is reaching for some milk and a hand pops out. It grabs his hand and brings him into the A-Ha music video “Take On Me”. Chris falls out from the music video onto the grocery store floor.)
Lois: Chris, where have you been?
Chris: I don’t know!
(Lois calls the house and Chris picks up phone)
Chris: Stephenson residence.
Lois: Chris, we’ve gone through this before. It’s pronounced Griffin.
Alyssa: If you destroy the petition, you can touch my boobs.
Chris: Is..is that a good thing?
Alyssa: Yes…yes it is.
(Chris is sitting in kitchen, moping because he’s fat, and Meg walks in.)
Meg: Whoa! Chris have you loot weight? You look wicked skinny! I’m jealous!
Chris: Really? Cause…cause I’m jealous of your mustache!
Meg: I don’t have a mustache!!!!!
(Doorbell rings)
Chris: Matthew Mcconaughey?
Matthew Mcconaughey: Yeah, I’m lookin’ for a guy named Stewie–
(Arrow hits him in the eye)
Matthew McConaughey: OWWWWW!
Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I’ve gotta bury this thing!
Chris: But I–
Stewie: GRAB HIS LEGS!!!
Chris (talking to Peter): You’re just running away from your troubles by being here!
Peter: What are you talking about? Meg’s right
here.
Chris: I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
Government Agent: You’re mentally unfit to take care of your children.
Peter: NO!
Chris: NO!
Meg: NO!
Stewie: FINALLY!
Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won’t let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that’s a good army.
Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that’s an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?
Chris (looking at the Twinkie in his hand): I’m going to turn you into poo.
Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad.
Meg: We have the same dad idiot!
Chris: Yeah, but mine’s smarter!
(Chris jumps on Peter’s lap)
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and…
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Chris: So .. ah .. what are you wearing? Ha ha ha ha ha WOW! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
Meg: I miss Uncle Patrick.
Lois: Don’t worry kids I promise we can visit him once a month
Chris: We’ll be his period.
(Meg walks into the dining room with her new lesbian look).
Chris: Mom, why is the cable guy here?
Chris: Can I go now? Stewie’s gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois: Chris…he can’t help you with your homework, he’s just a baby!
Stewie: And I guess you’re a Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from again, the University of DUH?!?!?
Max Weinstein:I’ll help you with your homework son.
Peter: My God!!! Is there nothing you people can’t do, except you know… manual labor???
Lois: What a horrible thing to say! They built the pyramids!
Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah … ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
Chris: My name is Chris, I’m suppost to be on my best behaviour tonight and not mention poo…..
Oh God, what have I done?
Brian (as Mark Twain): Well kids I better be getting back to the 1800’s in my time steamboat (goes behind the desk).
Brian: Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?
Chris: Yeah! Captain Crunch was here!
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