The founding of Quahog
WEST: It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles “Chatterbox” Musket set sail for the…
FLASHBACK TO FOUNDING OF QUAHOG
(A SHIP IS AT SEA)
WEST: (vo) …new colony of Rhode Island.
(MILES TALKS TO HIS SHIPMATES)
MILES: You know what I’m gonna do when we get to shore? First thing… First thing I’m gonna do, I’m gonna have me a snack… No, no, no, no! Shower! Shower first, snack second. But I hope I see Indians. Hey, do you think they’ll have American cheese there? (unintelligible under West)
WEST: (vo) Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind.
(MILES IS THROWN OVERBOARD AND SINKS TO THE BOTTOM, LANDING ON THE MAGIC CLAM)
WEST (CONT’D): (vo) He was as good as dead. But as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony…
(CUT TO MILES LYING ON THE SAND WITH THE CLAM LYING ON HIM)
WEST (CONT’D): (vo) …which would be called ‘Quahog’.
(THE CLAM PUSHES OUT THE WATER AND THEN TALKS TO HIM)
MILES: (grunt)
CLAM: There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea.
MILES: Look at all this sand! Did you know there are beaches that have black sand? Oh, did I not pack my towel?
CLAM: Are you…? Are you listening? Because I’m trying to help you here.
WEST: (vo) And help he did. Thanks to the clam’s leadership, Quahog became a great prosperous settlement.
(CUT TO MILES’ HOME)
WEST (CONT’D): (vo) But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.
MILES: I mean, I know he’s an Indian. But what kind of a name is ‘Squanto’? I mean, ‘Leslie’ or something like that would be nice.
CLAM: Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in awhile! Oh! Here, here. Look what I’m doing. All right, look. Watch this. Watch this. (beat while the clam closes its mouth) Eh?! Oh! Look, see that? See that? Yeah! Now try it with me. Huh? Okay, okay?
MILES: (starts crying)
CLAM: (sigh)
(CUT TO THE CLAM IN BED)
WEST: (vo) Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.
(LATER, THE CLAM CONFRONTS MILES)
CLAM: I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it’s time for me to go. I’ll send for my things.
(MILES GOES AFTER THE CLAM)
MILES: Wait! Don’t go! I’m sorry! (crying)
BACK TO FAIR STAGE
WEST: Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head, he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return. Today we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. (beat) What’s that?! Something out at sea? (looking through glass) Clam-ho!
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